unfiltered '02
revenging circle of a stabbing sane less cycle
perpetual strumming with blood stained fingers
into distortion from mind alterance
beating my other unconscious disillusioning decisions
thought provoking silence from coldness
trapped within a razors rusty edge
or even the fading in your strained gasping breath
smoke vigorously exiting your cursed lips
as it disturbingly vials a stormy cloud
settling above.
sex building, wanting to exert, electrically performing
to shock and petrify your hand clumsily fumbling down
the valley of sweat dripping reflection of flesh
into battered clothing you wear preciously without comfort
hiding from the unconquered rat race, still staking bricks
balled up raging emotion you've hidden from the rest
tears from withholding what my heart has said so
hysterical convulsions spilling sluggishly from my
dissected, over-analyzed words, formed wrongly by imagination.
Skin bulging out of the self-mutilating bars
of you're staged imprisonment.
uncomfortable selfish silence created by your arrogant
AVOIDANCE, sudden thrustful burst of forgotten
unrealistic situations.
outlet of unawarable loss of control spilling paint onto
any blank, untouched, seemingly challenging surface
obsessed with the self-indulgent misery of craziness forever building.
praised puppet string go free fucking flowing
blindsided annoyance, grumbling echo of flutter fucking
cyclone within the emptiness of my unsustained addictions
so insatiably unkempt and left strangely unresolved
foolishly conversing a scheme unthoughtfully gathered.
clenching fists wrapped around my pulsating arch
leading up the path of skin into further worthlessness
of existence undesired to proceed the journey to the next
step of higher place, mesmerized, melting, inter folding
center staging the spotlight around the gleam
of shot sparkles, light from your fire lite torch
held under my undeservedly spanked ass.
Playing off every anticlimactic word with gesture
intended twitch ass willing by curiousity
to experiment
with a phase that euphorically collects into more trouble
then is worth to maintain your normal life
that I'm meant to viciously destroy without choice.
Impatiently awaiting confrontations that muster
with the shaking of your blood dripping bristles, you unkindly
thrashed across my beaten bare body still scarred
from the melting rubber you forwardly left across my chest.
Images clashing, emerging into the diminishing being of self.
Mysteriously affected by your absence, left abandoned
spontaneously leaping into a broken glass that can't be filled,
cracked, smashed, shattered and used for convenience.
Bewildered by my constant attempts of failing fixation denied
with rejection,
I hang from the noose you've tied around my tired head.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Dec 18
They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. I'm wondering how much he/she/it thinks I can take.
It seems as though this is my year for learning, growing, and beginning to like myself.
My wife left our relationship technically in August, although my heart was trying to tell me this for a large part of this past year. In hindsight, it never should have gone on that long, but apparently there was reason for it. I learned a lot about myself, I bended in ways I didn't know were possible, I sacrificed my dream of being a mother, I learned that monogamy was possible, and I gained a new sister, nephew, and niece. I stayed the night with her family the day she left. I cried the whole time with my sister by my side. She stayed with me for a week and 2 friends I work with turned out to be more supportive and compassionate than friends I've had for years. Through the heartbreak of the break up, I grew to love these girls fiercely. It's funny that it took my heart break to bring the three of us together, separately and together. It was worth it. Out with the bad, in with the good? I lost my best friend but gained two more, both of which accept and embrace who I am and give me the courage to do the same. I've gained more self-confidence and happiness I didn't seem to have the strength for with Sarah. She feels dead to me, it's slightly awkward, but I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I need.
There's this positivity about me, this weightlessness, this palpating heart once again. I can't for the life of me remember a time in my life that I felt so free, so self-accepting, so vulnerable and so happy. Shit still happens…total your car, get charged for an OUI, cars getting towed, fights with the neighbors, people die and dogs get fleas. SHIT STILL HAPPENS. And most times all I can do is laugh, because breathing, beating, flowing, eating, shitting, ambulating, etc…might just be But I have faith, in myself, in the universe, in the people I surround myself with, and in the chance that I really am a good person. I started online dating, which I always use to pick on my friends for doing. It's been a lot of fun and has pulled me out of my shell. It's been exciting meeting new people, and I've had more sex in the past 3 months then I did for the past 4 years. I feel more accepted and more myself with strangers then I did with her.
I crashed my car into a tree Nov 23. No one should ever "put the baby over there" while driving. The car was totaled, S had to meet me where the car got towed because it was still registered in her name. It was beyond awkward and the first time I had seen her face in 2 months. I saw my car and almost pissed myself laughing. What is a girl to do? S said I was being a dick for laughing, which only made me laugh more.
I haven't gone home in almost 3 months which is the longest time away since I moved to Portland. I had a "Divorce Party", which my mom came too. Friends from home met my friends from Portland. It was a shit show and I had a blast. I have moments, small periods of time, where I realize how much I am loved by the people I surround myself with. No matter what happens, I am grateful and proud of how far I've come and where I am. Life is good, life is funny, life is complicated and life is a gift.
I heard a rumor Sriracha was going out of business or some shit. WTF?
They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. I'm wondering how much he/she/it thinks I can take.
It seems as though this is my year for learning, growing, and beginning to like myself.
My wife left our relationship technically in August, although my heart was trying to tell me this for a large part of this past year. In hindsight, it never should have gone on that long, but apparently there was reason for it. I learned a lot about myself, I bended in ways I didn't know were possible, I sacrificed my dream of being a mother, I learned that monogamy was possible, and I gained a new sister, nephew, and niece. I stayed the night with her family the day she left. I cried the whole time with my sister by my side. She stayed with me for a week and 2 friends I work with turned out to be more supportive and compassionate than friends I've had for years. Through the heartbreak of the break up, I grew to love these girls fiercely. It's funny that it took my heart break to bring the three of us together, separately and together. It was worth it. Out with the bad, in with the good? I lost my best friend but gained two more, both of which accept and embrace who I am and give me the courage to do the same. I've gained more self-confidence and happiness I didn't seem to have the strength for with Sarah. She feels dead to me, it's slightly awkward, but I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I need.
There's this positivity about me, this weightlessness, this palpating heart once again. I can't for the life of me remember a time in my life that I felt so free, so self-accepting, so vulnerable and so happy. Shit still happens…total your car, get charged for an OUI, cars getting towed, fights with the neighbors, people die and dogs get fleas. SHIT STILL HAPPENS. And most times all I can do is laugh, because breathing, beating, flowing, eating, shitting, ambulating, etc…might just be But I have faith, in myself, in the universe, in the people I surround myself with, and in the chance that I really am a good person. I started online dating, which I always use to pick on my friends for doing. It's been a lot of fun and has pulled me out of my shell. It's been exciting meeting new people, and I've had more sex in the past 3 months then I did for the past 4 years. I feel more accepted and more myself with strangers then I did with her.
I crashed my car into a tree Nov 23. No one should ever "put the baby over there" while driving. The car was totaled, S had to meet me where the car got towed because it was still registered in her name. It was beyond awkward and the first time I had seen her face in 2 months. I saw my car and almost pissed myself laughing. What is a girl to do? S said I was being a dick for laughing, which only made me laugh more.
I haven't gone home in almost 3 months which is the longest time away since I moved to Portland. I had a "Divorce Party", which my mom came too. Friends from home met my friends from Portland. It was a shit show and I had a blast. I have moments, small periods of time, where I realize how much I am loved by the people I surround myself with. No matter what happens, I am grateful and proud of how far I've come and where I am. Life is good, life is funny, life is complicated and life is a gift.
I heard a rumor Sriracha was going out of business or some shit. WTF?
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