Dec 18

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. I'm wondering how much he/she/it thinks I can take.

It seems as though this is my year for learning, growing, and beginning to like myself.

My wife left our relationship technically in August, although my heart was trying to tell me this for a large part of this past year. In hindsight, it never should have gone on that long, but apparently there was reason for it. I learned a lot about myself, I bended in ways I didn't know were possible, I sacrificed my dream of being a mother, I learned that monogamy was possible, and I gained a new sister, nephew, and niece. I stayed the night with her family the day she left. I cried the whole time with my sister by my side. She stayed with me for a week and 2 friends I work with turned out to be more supportive and compassionate than friends I've had for years. Through the heartbreak of the break up, I grew to love these girls fiercely. It's funny that it took my heart break to bring the three of us together, separately and together. It was worth it. Out with the bad, in with the good? I lost my best friend but gained two more, both of which accept and embrace who I am and give me the courage to do the same. I've gained more self-confidence and happiness I didn't seem to have the strength for with Sarah. She feels dead to me, it's slightly awkward, but I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I need.

There's this positivity about me, this weightlessness, this palpating heart once again. I can't for the life of me remember a time in my life that I felt so free, so self-accepting, so vulnerable and so happy. Shit still happens…total your car, get charged for an OUI, cars getting towed, fights with the neighbors, people die and dogs get fleas. SHIT STILL HAPPENS. And most times all I can do is laugh, because breathing, beating, flowing, eating, shitting, ambulating, etc…might just be But I have faith, in myself, in the universe, in the people I surround myself with, and in the chance that I really am a good person. I started online dating, which I always use to pick on my friends for doing. It's been a lot of fun and has pulled me out of my shell. It's been exciting meeting new people, and I've had more sex in the past 3 months then I did for the past 4 years. I feel more accepted and more myself with strangers then I did with her.
I crashed my car into a tree Nov 23. No one should ever "put the baby over there" while driving. The car was totaled, S had to meet me where the car got towed because it was still registered in her name. It was beyond awkward and the first time I had seen her face in 2 months. I saw my car and almost pissed myself laughing. What is a girl to do? S said I was being a dick for laughing, which only made me laugh more.

I haven't gone home in almost 3 months which is the longest time away since I moved to Portland. I had a "Divorce Party", which my mom came too. Friends from home met my friends from Portland. It was a shit show and I had a blast. I have moments, small periods of time, where I realize how much I am loved by the people I surround myself with. No matter what happens, I am grateful and proud of how far I've come and where I am. Life is good, life is funny, life is complicated and life is a gift.

I heard a rumor Sriracha was going out of business or some shit. WTF?